I deserve being believed and taken at my word when I tell you that I have been abused.
I am worthy of the love and grace you are so willing to extend to my abusers.
You remind me of what I am no longer willing to tolerate or accept- not anymore.
I owe you nothing even though when I run into you I see myself through your eyes for a moment- and I falter and stumble. For a moment I forget that it does not matter what you think and that I don't owe you an explanation, and that I don't need to be a sounding board for your feelings when you are not willing to have a real relationship with me and listen to mine.
You don't know this new version of me- I have put all the pieces that have fallen apart back together differently this time.
This girl doesn't believe she is subject to taking shit from anyone- especially yours. You used to make me feel like I had to be subject to your authority, your opinion and your definition of who I am. Not anymore.
You don't know me - not anymore- if you ever truly did to begin with.
It does not matter if you are my family and the elders in my life- my self and my body is not subject to any facet of your authority. It is mine and It is my voice for it that will be heard and have the final say.
The look of sadness on your face does pull at my heartstrings every damn time. It is painful. But the truth is that this separation is as much of your choice as it is mine. You act like you experience this great sorrow at our separation- but you also act like it is my fault and that I am the one causing you all this grief by my somehow willful stubborn behavior. Why won't I just let things go, or make nice with the rest of the family- it's what you always seem to say in some way or another. You place the burden of guilt squarely on my shoulders and I am so used to accepting it over the years and being responsible for everything that for a moment I still think this burden is mine. It's not- not anymore.
I am done carrying this for you when it is yours and if you actually carried it for once maybe you would feel the weight of it and choose differently.
I am done with not being defended. I am done with people not choosing or choosing other things over me. I deserve you standing by me and sticking up for what it right. I deserve better, I deserve so much better. I deserve better from people who supposedly love me. Yet I see all the time how quickly you are willing to sacrifice me when things become difficult.
I am not living a half life for you- one in which I deny who I am and what I have experienced. I have been sacrificed on the altar of all your gods one too many times and I will not bow down. Not anymore.
The hardest thing is to realize that as I build a whole and fulfilling life for me- you don't matter. You do not have a say and I don't owe you one. I don't owe you a connection to this new life or this new self- I have fought so hard to become her and I love her. You are not entitled to any part of my world and your blood is not my blood- family roots die when abuse is present. You are not my family, you are not a should or supposed to. I still can feel like I should give you a chance, that I have to talk to you, but I don't and the truth is you are not owed that. You behavior is toxic to the air I breathe and I want to live. You are not a weight I should have to carry and I will not. Not anymore.
I am not carrying things that do not belong to me into this next life.
You are something from long ago and far away- and you don't matter. Not anymore.
I am a former country girl and abuse survivor. I enjoy blogging because I find it personally therapeutic. It also allows me to share my experiences with others, and bring to light issues of abuse. I write under a pseudonym for my personal safety as well as to negate any potential legal trouble over sharing my story.